Mommy thoughts: Selfishness

I’ve been a Mom for two months now. Gabe's back at work. I’m at home. Every day I wake up to a precious little baby that needs me to care for her. Every night I go to sleep knowing that I’ll wake up multiple times to feed her, to change her diaper, to make sure she’s still breathing. Its cliché, but its true- being a Mom changes everything. From the most practical things like your day to day routine to the most deep, spiritual parts that only God sees. 

I didnt realized how incredibly selfish I was until I had Emery. I think it hit me right in the throes of trying to learn to breast feed her. I wanted to give up so badly. I told myself it was because things weren’t going as planned and I felt like it was my fault. Really at the core of it, I was just being selfish because I didn’t want to keep going on.  It hurt, it was boring, and it took most of my day. I wanted that time to myself. I was mad because I was the only one who could do it, and I wanted to shove off the responsibility to my husband.  I didn’t want to take the time and effort to succeed. Even though it was the best choice for my baby and family, I didn’t see it as the best choice for ME. I’d lie awake late at night and think how must easier it would be just to use a bottle. I felt like it would mean freedom for me and the end of a constant struggle. I didn’t see how things would get better and I didn’t want to continue fighting.  I’m so grateful that God helped me push through. He reminded me time and time again that there were babies and Momma’s who didn’t have this choice and wished they did. He reminded me that my time was and is not my own- and has always belonged to Him. He showed me that it wasn’t about doing what was easy but about doing what He’s asked me to do.

I’m still selfish, and every day I battle with that selfishness. I firmly believe that one of the many blessings of having children is that they force you to love someone more then you love yourself. They're tools God uses to chisel off another layer of our sinful nature. They make you realize that all those stupid things you used to not be able to live without are nothing in the grand scheme of life.

Two months down and a life time to go.
 

 

Thank you Heather!

Its almost been 3 weeks since our beautiful baby girl Emery was born. Its been a whirlwind. Being a Mom is both the hardest and most incredible experience of my life. As sappy as it sounds, all the cliches are true. I never thought I could love someone so much.

I wish I had the time to write out all that happened when Emery was born, as it was a long 36+ hours of labor. But since I dont have a lot of time, I just wanted to use the opportunity to say a huge thank you to my amazing sister Heather. Heather has been training to become a doula, and I was her first labor and delivery after she completed her courses. I cant tell you how grateful I am that she was there. She spent hours rubbing my legs to help speed labor (which worked!), sat up all night comforting me through contractions, and when I broke down from the pain, she supported me through tough decisions. She was with me over 24 hours and she never complained. Looking back, I think she was the driving force that helped me pull through.
If there was a way to repay her, I would. But I cant think of a single thing that would show her how much I appreciate all she's done. I sincerely hope she takes this incredible gift of encouragement and support to the next level and offers her services as a doula to other women.

Life will never be the same now that baby girl is here. I'm so glad I have such an amazing family to offer their support, advice and love. I am truly a blessed women. Thank you God for all that you've given me.

Hi, my name is Katie. And I'm an introvert.

Someone once said that in Corporate America “…everyone knows it’s important to be an extrovert, and troublesome to be an introvert. So people work real hard at looking like extroverts, whether that’s comfortable or not.” I think the same can be said for the church today. The church has taken on the secular cultures idealistic personality and tweaked it into the energetic and preppy Christian stereotype. We’ve formed our church services, small groups, and ministries around people being extroverted. We don’t take time for quiet reflection in church anymore. Instead we fill every moment with loud music, preaching and shaking hands. There is a very apparent push in modern churches today to conform to a cookie cutter model. And it’s not only a shame for Christian introverts who have more to offer then an imitation of cultures ideal, but it also denies God the glory for making us all unique. If God wanted all Christians to be extroverts, the Holy Spirit would transform us at salvation. Instead, I think God’s design is to use the quiet and the loud, the introspective and outgoing, the mild and the wild if you will.

“Its imperative to understand that becoming a Christian is not tantamount with becoming an extrovert.” ~Adam S McHugh.

There is no cookie cutter ideal Christian personality. However, as an introvert I’ve been told my whole life that because I’m not outgoing, outspoken and social enough, I’m not a good Christian. Church tells me that my worth in ministry is tied to my ability to be the first to greet a new visitor or share my deepest convictions with a small group. I’ve been guilted into believing that something is wrong with me because I don’t fit into the Christian archetype. The problem with that mindset is that it not only alienates natural introverts, but it also puts guilt and shame on a personality trait that God himself designed. Asking an introvert to become an extrovert is asking them to be disingenuous. I think one of the biggest influences Christians have on culture is our vulnerability and honesty. If we plaster on a fake characteristic just to fit into the churches idea of a ‘good Christian’, then we’re living a lie.

“There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” ~ Romans 8:1

Being reticent in today’s popular church culture can be seen as a weakness- an obstacle you must overcome on your spiritual journey. Yet the incredible thing is that God has designed each of us with specific personality traits and giftings. He created as all in his image- to reflect his characteristics. Christ exhibited both extroverted and introverted qualities. He showed us the power of being outspoken when he spoke boldly and with passion to thousands of people. He showed us the need for reflection, quiet and solitude when he spent 40 days and 40 nights alone in the desert and when he prayed alone in the garden of Gethsemane.

“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.” ~1 Cor 12:4-6

Being Christ-like does not mean we have to fit into our cultures ideal personality type. It means that we each submit our hearts to the lordship and authority of Christ, allowing the Holy Spirit to mold and make us into who He wants us to be. For an introvert, that might mean getting out of their comfort zone and sharing God’s love in a more outspoken way. For an extrovert, it might mean being quiet and allowing someone else to speak. Either way, we all have our own journeys to walk. And each of them will look different. We all have different things to offer and specific calling on our lives. We shouldn’t be held under the thumb of condemnation, no matter what our personality type is.

“… God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.  If they were all one part, where would the body be?  As it is, there are many parts, but one body.” ~ 1 Cor 12:18-20

So rejoice in who God made you to be! He loves you and sees you as his spotless child. Your personality is not a mistake, and you do not have to live an unauthentic life in order to meet someone else’s expectations.  You have something to offer; and it doesn’t mean you have to be someone you’re not in order to do it. Whether you are quiet and soft spoken, or loud and outgoing, you were made in the image of the Creator.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them…” ~Genesis 1:27

On my mind...

I love that when I think back on my childhood, I don’t automatically think of mindless hours of tv and video games. Don’t get me wrong. We watched tv. A lot. But when I think about some of my fondest memories as a child, I think about us sitting around my Mom while she read the Little House on the Prairie books. I think about running around outside, playing pioneers with my sisters (complete with costumes- thank you very much.) I remember my Dad taking us through a bible study, that as awkward and silly as it was, helped set my spirit up to understand, if only in part, who God made me to be. I remember us girls putting on plays for my parents, and us having tickle fights where my Dad would pull out the ‘iron claw’ and make us laugh until we couldn’t breathe. 

Its these simple memories that I hold dear to my heart. We didn’t have the money when I was growing up for lots of vacations, the newest clothes, being involved in activities, or buying cool gadgets. But I doubt I’d remember many of those things even if we did. Even though our lives were far from perfect, it was times that we spend together that made us who we were as a family. Not the things we had.

When I see all the things kids have access to today, it makes me feel overwhelmed and fearful. Not just because of the dangerous and unseemly things available, but the consumerism and materialistic culture that is imbedded in every part of our lives. Our culture is a raging, instant gratification machine. Media tells us that in order to have a happy life, you must own certain things, look a certain way, and be with certain people.

What scares me most about it is how all of this has exemplified itself in my own life. I spend most of my nights watching tv. I check my phone more times in a day then I feel comfortable admitting. I spend more time on pinterest and instragram looking at a cameras view of beauty then experiencing it first hand for myself.  I’ve fallen into the trap, along with everyone else, of paying someone else to making art out of life that I should be making myself.

Now that I’m just 4 months shy of having a brand new person to look after, my whole mindset has shifted. I don't want my child to grow up with this instant gratification culture as its guide. I don't want it to fall prey to the lie that having and doing all the right things makes you a fulfilled person. I dont want my example to be one of selfishness and greed.

Its easy to get into the ‘overhaul my entire life’ mode, and try to change everything about myself in a matter of a day. But I realize that in reality, there’s no way I can change overnight. To be honest, its not likely I’d see any huge and lasting improvements in my life before the baby comes anyways. The fact is this culture is ingrained in almost every aspect of my life.

But I don’t want my child growing up in a home that, consciously or not, promotes this world’s idea of happiness. I want my child to look back on life and have its fondest memories be ones of sustenance, with God and family at the heart, just like mine are of my own childhood.

So what am I to do? Throw out my tv and shun all worldly things has a threat to the wellbeing of my family? No. I think the one thing I can do is stop trying to control everything and make it better in my own power. The fear that grips my heart can be just as toxic as any other worldly influence. I have to allow the Holy Spirit to quiet my restless heart and give me peace. Only he has the power to transform and heal the corruption in my heart. And he’s the only one who can protect this new child from what the world will undoubtedly throw at it.

I think this is the time to really start asking God to show me and my husband what we can do to set our home up as a haven away from cultural influences. I don’t know exactly what that means yet. But I know God will show us as our family grows into what He wants it to be. Maybe that will mean throwing out the tv. Or maybe it will be as simple as putting away our cell phones and being intentional about spending quality time with each other. Either way, I’m ready to do what it takes to set up an environment that pursues the good, noble, lovely, and ultimately godly things in life.

Big Changes...

Life can sometimes seem so humdrum and bla’za. All you want is some excitement; something to stir the pot. Then, all of the sudden, you get your wish; and it’s all you can do to hang on for dear life! I think life has thrown Gabe and me on a crazy roller coaster, and it doesn’t show signs of stopping any time soon. First, in early December we got the big news that my twin sister Allie and her husband Jake are expecting twins in early July. What a crazy and amazing surprise! Who ever thought that one of the Barron girls would have twins? I guess God has some pretty big plans for my sister and her family! Then of course, the holidays hit, and along with the rest of America we spent those few weeks running around like chickens with our heads cut off.

Gabe and I also made the big decision to remodel our kitchen. So we’ve been dealing with contractors, bids and getting plans made up. It will all be worth it in the end, but right now it seems like a big mess. We’re hoping to start construction this month, but life has a way of throwing curve balls at you. It’s a long story, but after a stray cat mysteriously found its way into our basement, we found out that we have a hole that goes from one of the basement walls straight to the outside. So, before we start on the kitchen, we have to rip out our entire back deck to open space for the hole to be sealed. Sigh. What a mess! Eventually we’ll move from remodeling the kitchen to fixing up our master bath, and then hopefully onto a few other cosmetic changes around the house. In the mean time, I’m just praying no other big issues come up as we start this kitchen project. Ripping out the deck isn’t going to kill us, but it certainly was unexpected and leaves the huge question: what other issues do we not know about?

Beyond all of that, I guess the biggest change for us has come in a very small and unexpected package. The second week of December, we found out we are expecting our own little one on August 16^th, 2013. It was quite a shock after finding out about my sister just a week earlier. Come to find out, Allie and I are only a month apart. Talk about twin connection!

God is so surprising sometimes. I had prayed that God would open the door for Gabe and I to have a baby for years, and it seemed like it would never happen. At times it was hard walking in faith and trusting that God would bring everything in his perfect timing. It didn’t come in the timing I had planned, but it was perfect none the less. It’s exciting to be able to go through this journey with my sister, even though we’re thousands of miles apart. He knew we’d need each other’s support during this. And, he obviously wanted to shake up the Barron family as much as possible!

It’s been a rough journey thus far. I’ve been blessed to not have any major morning sickness, but I’ve dealt with other issues that have kept my worry wart heart in overdrive. But, God is faithful. He always gives us what we need, when we need it. He knew long before I did that this baby would be a part of Gabe’s and my life, and he knew that we’d face challenges along the way. I’m so thankful that God knows me better then I know myself. He knew this season of life would be crazy, chaotic, exciting and scary. He planned every detail of this pregnancy, and has a plan already in place to glorify his Son through it. Gabe and I are so excited to start our new job as a parents, and we’re ready to see Gods hand move in more ways we didn’t see coming!