Thursday, April 29, 2010

I just watched a movie called "Girl Interrupted". Yeah, its rated R, so I dont know if I can completely recommend it simply for that fact. Anyways... its about a girl who's diagnosed with Border Line Personality Disorder. Pretty interesting stuff.
Sorta made me think about the things people battle through and how I can truly relate, on one scale or another with it.

Have any of you seen that movie? What did you think?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sticks and Stones...

Today at lunch we talked about how people physically alter themselves to
look a different way.
Not so much in plastic surgery for a better physique or
coloring their hair- but body modification. Skin implants, scarification,
piercing, etc. We talked about how we’ve each seen different people with
maybe horns implanted in their skulls, silicone hearts on their chests, or
tribal art cut into their skin. It all seems so extreme, and to many it’s

grotesque. Although those things don’t particularly ‘gross’ me out, it does

put a certain impression on me. I have tattoos, and piercing, but I judge
just like the next person. I automatically associate those sorts of body
modifications with occults, anarchists, or 'extremists' of one sort or
other. I had to stop for a minute when I got back to my desk and search
my heart about why I judge to quickly. I think its human nature to

associate. Especially when we dont understand things. However, would
someones appearance stop me from freely loving them like I should? Would I
not smile at a passer by because they had something about them that I didnt
relate to?

Most of you probably dont have this problem- but I automatically associate
'jocks' or the 'athletic' type as being cocky jerks. I've found it hard to
even openly be
friendly to a boy/girl that fits that description because my
automatic thought process is 'I'll hurt them before they can hurt me'.
Every part of my being stands on edge when I see a jock, or for that matter
a cheerleader or "popular" girl. It might not fall into the line of being
physically different then other people, but their style of dress, hair,
postures or even initial impressions cause me to judge without thinking.

I say all of that simply to admit that I find myself judging others far
more then I should. Whether its because they have modified their bodies in
some 'unconventional' way, or because they fit a certain stereotype. Jesus
loved and accepted the least in society. You know what he fought against
though? Those that would cast the first stone. When I judge
automatically, am I not in one sense or another casting the first

I never want to become a 'pharisee' of my generation. I want my arms to
wide open to love and welcome- even the 'strange' or...'jocks' *ahem*. I
dont have to accept every notion, whim or thought thats thrown my way
society, but my calling as a child of God is to pour out Christs love. I
might still feel extreme body modification is a little overboard, and I might
bristle at the arrogant attitudes of some 'jocks', but I pray that God
would open my heart to love them just like Jesus does.

This song came to my mind as I worked all this out in my head;

By Warren Barfield

I shouldn't have to tell you who I am
Cause who I am should be speaking for itself
Cause if I am who I, I want to be
Then who you see won't even be me
Oh the more and more I disappear
The more and more He becomes clear

Til everyone I talk to hears His voice
And everything I touch feels the warmth of His hand
Til everyone I meet
Sees Jesus in me
This is all I wanna be
I wanna be mistaken
For Jesus
Oh I wanna be mistaken

Do they only see who we are
When who we are should be pointing them to Christ
Cause we are who He chose to use
To spread the news
Of the way the truth and the life
Oh I want all I am to die
So all He is can come alive

Til everyone I talk to heart His voice
And everything I touch feels the warmth of His hand
Til everyone I meet
Sees Jesus in me
This is all I wanna be
I wanna be mistaken
For Jesus
Oh I wanna be
Oh I need to be mistaken
For You
Lord i wanna be mistaken

May He touch with my hands
See through my eyes
May He speak through my lips
Live through my life
I want Him to
I want Him to live

Monday, April 26, 2010

Its raining, its pouring...

Its funny how when it rains, it pours. This weekend another dam decided to break in our house and suddenly we were flooded with another problem we have to fix. I think currently, every single room in the house, including our basement, needs work done. Whether its windows, guttering, floors, walls, sinks or showers- something has to be broken. I think it’s an unspoken universal rule. If one of us were terribly ill, had committed some act of incredible bravery, or had a child with a mutation we'd totally apply for 'Extreme Home Makeover'. Unfortunately neither of us wants to lose a leg or contract a nasty disease to be applicant worthy.

You know what else is[nt] funny? When it rains- it literally POURS. This weekend it rained so hard. Not just for a few hours, but for days. This, on top of the already mounting issues in our house just exacerbated our leaking, gutter and window problems. One silver lining is that because of the leak in one of our windows, we discovered an ant colony that was making their home in our walls. Gabe tried to kill them with caulking and some ant killer. Hopefully they stay dead and don’t come rising up through the ashes and come back angry at us like Carrie. Water has been our bane for the past few weeks. It started out with our washer overflowing the entire floor. Now, its leaking down our living room walls. It just seems like everywhere we turn something else is wrong.

Life seems to be that way- a lot. I just want a way out. I don’t want to deal with situations, friends, work loads, or responsibilities. It would be so much easier if the answers and solutions to my problems just dropped into my lap, right? I don’t want to learn how to fix a broken floor board- I just want someone else to do it. I don’t want to learn how to mend that relationship because I just want the other person to take care of it. Laziness and being irresponsible follows me in every area of my life it if let it. There have been days that I've thought all day about how wonderful it would be to be a kid again so I didn’t have these responsibilities anymore. But, I don’t have that choice. When I really think about it, I wouldn’t want to give up the freedom I have as an adult either.

I fully believe that whether it’s my house circumstance, or another life situation, God is using it to mold and shape me. I know that he is just and good- and all things will work out for his glory. Yes, there is that child in me who wants to kick and scream because things haven’t gone my way. But that’s why I really don’t want to go back to being a kid- because I've learned through life that I don’t have to have things my way. Even when my life seems to stink, I know I’ll come out the other side because He’s in control of it.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Today I decided to go through copy all my old Xanga posts into a word doc.
I have hundreds of posts spanning from 2005-2007 that I definitely dont
want to loose. So, I thought I'd preserve some history and burn them all
off onto a cd. I still havent figured out a way to easily copy all the
comments from those posts- but for know at least I have the bulk of the

As I went through them after I'd finished copying them to the word doc, I
realized how much deeper I thought back then. Maybe it was because I was
writing on a weekly basis, or because I had time to sit down and formulate
my thoughts. Either way, when I sit down to write today, I can barely get
out a cohesive paragraph, let alone a meaningful blog post. Sigh.

So, this is my attempt at getting back into the groove. I’m trying to disciplining myself
to write again and to dive into deeper thoughts. Who knows- You might be
reading this and see that I havent updated this blog in over 3 years. Ha. I
hope not though. My hope is that I will continue the practice.

Heres to blogs! *Cheers*

P.S. Speaking of Cheers- I've never see that tv show. I always hated the
cinematography. When I've seen clips it looked orangy and yellowed. BARF.
It makes me think of brunt orange couches and old cheap mexican blankets
(no offense if your mexican). I guess its very 70's though, huh?
Ok...thanks. Bye.