Friday, October 11, 2013

Mommy thoughts: Selfishness

I’ve been a Mom for two months now. Gabe's back at work. I’m at home. Every day I wake up to a precious little baby that needs me to care for her. Every night I go to sleep knowing that I’ll wake up multiple times to feed her, to change her diaper, to make sure she’s still breathing. Its cliché, but its true- being a Mom changes everything. From the most practical things like your day to day routine to the most deep, spiritual parts that only God sees. 

I didnt realized how incredibly selfish I was until I had Emery. I think it hit me right in the throes of trying to learn to breast feed her. I wanted to give up so badly. I told myself it was because things weren’t going as planned and I felt like it was my fault. Really at the core of it, I was just being selfish because I didn’t want to keep going on.  It hurt, it was boring, and it took most of my day. I wanted that time to myself. I was mad because I was the only one who could do it, and I wanted to shove off the responsibility to my husband.  I didn’t want to take the time and effort to succeed. Even though it was the best choice for my baby and family, I didn’t see it as the best choice for ME. I’d lie awake late at night and think how must easier it would be just to use a bottle. I felt like it would mean freedom for me and the end of a constant struggle. I didn’t see how things would get better and I didn’t want to continue fighting.  I’m so grateful that God helped me push through. He reminded me time and time again that there were babies and Momma’s who didn’t have this choice and wished they did. He reminded me that my time was and is not my own- and has always belonged to Him. He showed me that it wasn’t about doing what was easy but about doing what He’s asked me to do.

I’m still selfish, and every day I battle with that selfishness. I firmly believe that one of the many blessings of having children is that they force you to love someone more then you love yourself. They're tools God uses to chisel off another layer of our sinful nature. They make you realize that all those stupid things you used to not be able to live without are nothing in the grand scheme of life.

Two months down and a life time to go.


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